Love, Loss, and Strength to move on...

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

For the 1st time in a long time, I'm at a complete loss for words, although this blog post will only be comprised of words. Basically I was waiting for the perfect time to announce that Jon and I were expecting a baby, and for the last 2 1/2 months, I've been creating and saving mini blog posts in order to combine them into one large and creatively written overview of the 1st trimester so that I could enthusiastically share this with you when we were ready to announce the news. I had everything planned out, or so I thought. Two days ago, life took an unexpected turn, and unfortunately...worse than unfortunately...tragically, we miscarried. After much thought I've decided to blog about it; My objective as a blogger is not only to blog about how to be artistic and creative and fill your life with interesting and breathtakingly beautiful things, but to also be truthful, raw, and real while viewing the world in an artistic and optimistic way, which to me encompasses the good, bad, and the ugly. I don't think I've ever written a post this raw, but I have this voice inside me telling me that it's ok to talk about this, even though many people don't...That coping with sadness, emptiness, disappointment, loss, tragedy is a part of life, just like happiness, creativeness, love... However, I'm not going to go on about how sorrowful I feel but rather how excited I was to be pregnant for 10 weeks, and how awesome it felt to celebrate new life :

Thursday, January, 26, 2012

Jonathan and I are…Having a baby!!!! Surprise!!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Considering that I’ve intentionally waited until now to inform friends and family of the exciting news, I’ve made it a point to make small updates every few days, ever since we found out on Thursday, January 26^th, so that I could all my lovely details in one large informative “Surprise, we’re pregnant” blog post.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Today marks the last day of my 5th week of pregnancy, and so far I feel extremely great, except for a few interestedly unexpected cramps here and there. Given the fact that I’ve only known for three days now, the incredibly awesome news is still sinking in.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

We’re halfway through our 6^th week of pregnancy, and luckily I haven’t experienced any “morning sickness”, the thought of which frightens me tremendously. I’ve been exceedingly thirsty and am constantly carrying my water bottle around, but not very hungry, and have been taking two pre-natal vitamins (that are supposed to be taken together…I’m not overdosing on vitamins or anything.) Next Monday,  which marks the beginning of our 7^th week of pregnancy, our baby will be 10,000 times bigger than he or she was at conception, or the size of a blueberry, according to the book I’m presently reading entitled “What to expect when you’re expecting” as well as several pregnancy websites that seem extremely reliable. I wonder if “baby” looks like an alien!! Jon and I have our 1^st appointment on February 16^th, which is two weeks from tomorrow. I made the appointment a little early, although they told me to wait 4 – 6 weeks; Our appointment is almost 4 weeks. I will definitely continue to update!!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Tomorrow I will have Jon take a picture of our baby, since we will officially be at the end of week 6, not that there’s much of a bump to photograph (but I can definitely notice a small belly change). For the last two days, I’ve had a horrifically terrible cold, for which I of course haven’t been able to take any medication, including ricola cough drops, or even Tylenol, which according to most websites, is actually the only safe medication you can ingest during pregnancy?? But on the bottle, the label indicates that you need to consult your doctor, which makes me a bit cautious and skeptical. Just to be on the safe side, I’ve decided to wait for our 1^st appointment, February 16th, during which I will ask a slew of questions, and give the impression that I’m exceedingly paranoid. I’ve been really pushing myself over the edge at school, and yesterday informed the students that I had a horrible cold, and that my nose might be running down my face, but that I’d ignore it and keep passionately delivering information and keep teaching. They just looked at me and were like “Ewww…”

Cece has been acting a bit strange for the last couple of weeks, but has just recently come around. She normally snuggles up to me at night, but for a couple of weeks, has kept her distance, occasionally staring at me, wide-awake and beety-eyed, from our master bedroom doorway. The last two nights, she curiously ventured back into our bedroom, jumped onto our bed, gently placed her paw on my belly, then strolled away. There’s no doubt in my mind that she senses something, and I’ve recently read that animals are highly atuned to changes in our bodies, chemistry, movements, daily routines, etc, although nothing about our daily routine will be changing for a while.

Monday will be the 1^st day of week 7, and I wonder if I’ll be noticing any changes. I’ve been extremely lucky, having experienced no morning sickness, but I really hope and pray that this terrible cold goes away within a couple of days, especially because I’m singing at church tomorrow, and sound like Kermit, and look like Piggy. (Actually I don’t look like Piggy yet…) I’ve been eating really well, and have actually lost a few pounds, while Jon on the other hand has been chowing down nachos and cheese, peanut butter and jelly crackers, and last night made a batch of peanut butter cookies!! What is he trying to do to me?? My foodies of choice for this week have been pears, bananas, pita chips, cottage cheese, and the occasional french fry that mysteriously makes it’s way over to my plate without my permission. Looking forward to a great weekend -- An amazing weekend of runny noses, soggy crumbled tissues, chicken noodle soup with extra noodles, laundry, school work, and thoughtful blogging. Certainly doesn’t get much better than this!!

Sunday, February 12

Today, we’re officially 7 weeks pregnant!! It has been rather calm, quiet, and relaxing day. Jon and I went to church, then straight to target for a much needed restock of lunch/snack food for the upcoming school week. While we were there, we [accidentally] strolled passed the baby section, where I unexpectedly (or expectant-ly) spotted the cutest 3-set of onsies on clearance, which I absolutely couldn’t resist and swept them into the cart before Jon could take a second gander. On our way out, I wondered “What size were they anyway??” which I later found out, Newborn. Hopefully, baby botbyl will be a fairly mid-sized newborn or else he/she won’t have much of a chance to make use out of these adorable onsies.

Mom and I took a trip to the quilt shop in Mullica Hill yesterday, which unfortunately is closing. While we were in town, we stopped at a children consignment shop, which had the most breathtakingly adorable clothing, and of course, I picked up a couple unique outfits, gender neutral obviously. Baby clothes are too cute, and I’m exceedingly thrilled to actually pick some out, once we know the sex of the child, which I’m sure won’t be for a couple more months.

This Thursday, we will have our 1^st appointment, where hopefully everything will be confirmed, and I’ll have to have lots of exciting bloodwork (bleh…) and ask multitudes of questions I’ve been storing up, answers for which I’ve only been able to search for online at this point. You shouldn’t believe everything you read on the I-net, plus there’s always conflicting viewpoints. Anyway, we’re both looking extremely forward to having the pregnancy confirmed, which will enable us to begin sharing the awesome news with our family and friends.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Good Evening! I am absolutely stuffffffed!! I’m noticing that if I eat half the portions that I usually consume I’m still twice as full, which is crazy!! Tonight, for dinner, I made myself a small salad, creamy cooker chicken and chicken flavored rice, and only ate a half serving of each part of the meal, and was completely full within 10 minutes.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Today marks Day 1 of week 9, and so far I’m still feeling fairly good, except for sudden feelings of nausea, which don’t last long. Last Thursday, we had our 1^st appointment, during which we had several important questions answered and were given great advice along with a slew of awesome parenting magazines, pamphlets, vitamin samples, and a packet from Kennedy Hospital which includes information about birth classes and hospital tours, both of which we will most likely take advantage!! We also received two catalogs, Babies r us and Burlington coat factory Baby Depot, where we were thinking of possibly registering when the time comes. I’m extremely excited!!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I was eager to go back to work today after a long four day weekend, and felt considerably productive while teaching and choreographing for the dance team, which is always adventurously fun!! During lunch, I accidentally fell asleep, after “momentarily” resting my head back on the top of my desk chair. Suddenly I awoke to the startling ringing of the 8^th period bell. Whoops!!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

This work week has definitely been challenging no doubt in that I’ve been faced with numerous hurdles in and outside of the classroom and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to please everyone, which is incredibly frustrating!! I feel like someone is always mad at me for something completely beyond my control…maybe I’m just overly emotional and have a complex this week. Other than that, things are going considerably well. Jon’s exceedingly busy this week with evening rehearsals, representing the beginning of musical season, which always flies by extremely fast. I’m kind of glad that I’m not involved with any musical this year – This will be the 1^st year (that I’m not involved in any musical) for as long as I can remember – because I’m trying not to overwork myself. I’ve known about Baby Botbyl for a little over a month now, which has definitely gone fast!! I’m also starting to notice a baby bump, which I don’t think is noticeable to the outside world, and I have told a couple more teachers at work, but am still keeping things on the down low until my next Doctor’s appt at the end of March.

 Wednesday, March 7^th

It’s been over a week since my last “Baby Botbyl Blog Post”, and since last Tuesday, Jon and I have undergone a rather unsettling and unfortunate experience. This passed Monday, we had an ultrasound, during which we were given the information that we had miscarried. As soon as an image came up on the screen, I could tell right away that something was wrong. Apparently, things had stopped developing after 6 weeks, and long story short, we’re no longer having a baby. Our hearts are broken and we are still adjusting to the fact that we’re not pregnant anymore. I’m trying to decide if this is something I can actually handle blogging about…I’m going to take a couple days to think about it. It makes me extremely sad to look back at the last couple of mini pregnancy posts I had written, because we just had no idea that this would be the outcome to what I had hoped and assumed was a considerably healthy pregnancy. I’m sure there are plenty of strong and positive women out there who have gone through this; I’m learning that it’s definitely more common than I had realized. I’ve decided to choose a name for the baby…Emerson. One day, maybe Jon and I will meet Emerson in Heaven. As for now, we feel exceedingly blessed to have had this experience while it lasted and to feel God's warmth and strength upon us in so many ways as we experience Love and Loss, and recognize that we are always given the strength to learn and move on...